“The Rise of the Death Doula: Reclaiming Death Care Traditions”

The death experience, for both the dying & their bereaved loved ones, often leaves them with irrevocable pain & loss, some even facing the regret of unresolved goals or incomplete relationships. When I embarked on this journey to becoming a Death Doula, I thought a lot about my own death experiences, wondering how each of them could have been made different had I been given the opportunity & support that a Death Doula can provide. 

One significant experience with death came when my grandmother died in 1986.  I lived under her care since I was 7 years old, so really, my grandmother was more like a mother to me than a grandmother. I recall being excluded from being present during her dying process. I was only allowed to see her once in the hospital. To this day, I am not entirely sure what her diagnosis was. My family chose to keep me in the dark. I believe cancer & some organ failure was included in her prognosis. When I finally did see her, she was hooked up to a breathing tube. She couldn’t speak to me, but the love in her tear filled eyes spoke loud and clear. She tried to reach out to me, attempting to communicate by writing words on a dry-erase board. All too soon I was ushered out of her room, never to see her alive again. I was further excluded in the days to come, family from afar descending on our home like vultures, followed by a flurry of packing up of treasured possessions that belonged to my grandmother. It’s sad that the majority of my memories of this event were of arguments among family members over possessions rather than experiencing peace, comfort & love, hearing the stories & recollections of a beautiful life lived by my grandmother. I remember one family member coldly informing me that I was just the grandchild & I wouldn’t be getting anything to have as a keepsake. I spent a majority of my time alone in my bedroom while the family was present, then left alone in the house for the nights, spreading out over a 2 week period.  I busied myself with packing my own possessions, being responsible to get myself to school. I recall one evening, emotional and angry with my family, feeling like everything was being taken from me in such a cruel & heartless way, I packed up my grandmother’s silver tea & coffee set. I buried them in a box surrounded by my stuffed animals. This act remained a quiet secret for years, no one ever knew what happened to that silver. The next memory was of the funeral, riding in a black limousine to the burial site, still feeling very detached from the rest of the family. From this day forward, I was alone. The house I lived in with my grandmother was sold, proceeds being divided amongst the family that pushed me away. 

I believe this experience instilled in my heart a deep desire & compassion to help others who grieved alone. For years afterward, I always felt drawn to the elderly. In fact, I distinctly remember finding myself developing far more friendships with the senior generation than with my own peer group. It was many years later, when my own children were grown and away from home, that I was invited to help care for an elderly woman who just recently moved into a long-term care facility. Covid-19 had just made its appearance and we all faced lock-downs and restrictions. It was then that I was made a Designated Care Giver, visiting this sweet lady, even when her own relatives could not. I maintained my visiting schedule with her twice weekly, something I still do today. Observing the joy & appreciation in this woman’s eyes has only strengthened my resolve to help others as well. I have often taken my golden retriever into the home, where she has also made healing connections with other residents. It’s been so beautiful to see how much love & brightness she brings to so many.

Recalling my own lonely experience at the end of my grandmother’s life, I could easily observe all the other people facing the end of their lives, alone. It has been these observations that spurred me on to look into how I could make a difference, not only in my friend’s life, but in the lives of other lonely people. It was a childhood friend who, after hearing about my interests to help other elderly people, asked me if I heard of Death Doulas. I was instantly intrigued with the idea, believing that this vocation would be a perfect addition to my desire to be a senior companion. I reached out to a number of Hospice Organizations that offered training, I carefully made my choice and began my training. As my passion grew, my wish to get the conversations flowing about death care also grew. I knew that death experiences for so many have become a lonely & broken process. I spoke to acquaintances and staff in the senior’s home as well as friends and family regarding my interest to be a Death Doula. A majority of the responses I received included comments such as - “That is so needed” or “I could have used help from someone like that when I was facing a death”. I received a few negative responses as well including -  “I could never talk about death” or “How could you consider working with death & the dying?” or “Wouldn’t that be so depressing & morbid?” Interestingly, I found that all of these responses and others like them actually encouraged me & served as my confirmation that I was indeed on the right journey for me. I have always known that my sensitive nature had a special purpose in life and I now am convinced it will serve best by helping those facing death. Throughout my training, I have read about so many beautiful customs & ceremonies, especially in relation to traditional wakes & vigils observed by many from years past. Sadly, today’s modern approach to dealing with death usually has the dead whisked away from loved ones, their end even verbally disguised within an ugly euphemism of “passing”. I became intrigued with the custom of the old fashioned wakes of days gone by, replaced by the corporate institutions of death care. I believe we live in a “Death Phobic Society”. I think mortality terrifies many of us, especially when faced with the unknown laced with fear & unanswered questions. When you really think about it, to be truly human is to bear the burden of our own mortality, while with grace & compassion, do what we can to help others carry theirs. Avoiding or denying the fact that death comes to us all and worse yet, fearing this fact, I believe steals away healing, hope & joy. I have come to understand that Death Doulas can fill the most important role of helping our loved ones prepare for the final step. 

So the question that I have explored is this  - “What does a Death Doula do?” Simply put, the primary role a Death Doula fills is enabling open & honest conversations about death, fears, or concerns between healthcare professionals & their patients. They can offer practical guidance and soothing comfort by helping the dying person navigate the dying process, helping to find the words they wish to express with the comforting knowledge that they can have complete control of how & where they wish to die. Just as a Birthing Doula gives support during the labour process, Death Doulas give support during the dying process. Death Doulas help to create space to face what our society has taught us to ignore, providing emotional support & opportunities to explore what really matters to each of us, especially when facing death. Death Doulas provide information regarding specific resources available such as funeral homes, legacy work, grief & bereavement support, death plans & vigils. It can be a very devastating experience for everyone involved when there is no plan. Too often, the focus of the dying process is rushed, special traditions and ceremonies once observed decades ago, all but forgotten. Death Doulas understand death as a process that takes place over time. They focus on enhancing the quality of life during the dying process, providing comfort & support throughout, prioritizing the giving of focused one-on-one time & attention to the dying & their loved ones, so nobody feels alone or isolated, enriching their lives socially, spiritually and mentally. 

My greatest desire as a Death Doula is to reclaim the old traditions of death care, helping to provide the fullest & most complete death experience for all those I have the opportunity to work with.